Friday, 2 June 2017

Update #doctorsvisit #Endometriosis

So today I went to see my GP, it's been a long time since I've seen my GP, as I always find doctors visits's unhelpful, and just make me feel worse. 

However I've been in severe pain along with chronic fatigue, ever since I had my surgery in January. 
And I don't think it's normal for me to be suffering this way. 

So I sucked it up and booked an appointment. 
I'd been threating about it all week, and didn't end up sleeping at all last night, due to anxiety, so my body's really paying for it today. 

Anyway as usual I found the session pretty unhelpful and was just made to feel crazy. 
My doctor basically told me how most people can handle their endo pain and it's just because of the fact I was abused and my mental illness's that I am unable to cope with it! 
And my doc specialises in gynocology! 

I just don't feel like this is the case sure my psychological issues will make things more difficult for me, but I don't think that's the route of the problem. 

Thousands of other women suffer with endo and are bed bound and I don't think that's because of mental illness, that's because of the severe pain and chronic fatigue endometriosis causes. 

I feel really let down that she didn't really check other things too, and just passed everything off as psychological because it's the easy way out. 

I don't think it's psychological that I suffer with chronic diarohea that stops me from being able to leave the house because I will poop my pants! 
I know this is probably part of the endo or that I have ibs too. 
But my digestive issues have never properly been checked out it could be chrons or ulcerative colitis for all they know. 

And they didn't even bother to check my bloods since I am chronically fatigued and I am in recovery from bulimia, I think it's a good idea to check those. 

I just feel so disregarded, my GP has now referred me for therapy but it will probably take months, but I am not really expecting much from it since I've seen a lot of therapists and nothing has really helped, because heck therapists can't cure chronic pain! 

I really hope therapy will help and do feel I need it due to all the abuse I faced as a child, but finding a good therapist is extremely hard especially on the nhs! 

Sorry for the long rant post, just really needed to vent! 

I will hopefully be back with more positive posts soon! 

Have a great day! 


Saturday, 27 May 2017

Endometriosis and Abuse?

Since suffering with chronic pain for the majority of my life and having always been interested in psychology, I have always thought that the fact I was abused as a child had something to do with it.
Which my GP also mentioned that many people like myself who were abused do tend to suffer with a lot of health problems, as if life wasn't hard enough for us already!

Before I was diagnosed with Endometriosis my GP thought that my symptoms were purely based on the fact that i was abused and that my symptoms were somatic.
However due to my constant pushing and explaining that my symptoms were definitely physical i was finally given a laparoscopy and diagnosed with stage 3 Endometriosis.

There have been many studies done on the link between Endometriosis and Abuse
Research from Harvard University has shown that women who report child sexual and physical abuse have a 34% greater risk of being diagnosed with endometriosis in later life.
Stress caused by Abuse affects the hormone's and nervous system.

I am not saying this is the case for everybody but it definitely explains my illness, as i know for certain the abuse i endured during childhood caused me to suffer from Anxiety, Depression and Eating Disorders very early on.
And we all know stress reeks havoc on the body and causes not just mental illness's to occur but physical illness.

Its just really sad that my whole life has been ruined because of some sick twisted individuals that would abuse their own child, but we will not let them win, we will not let them have control over us anymore.

I just wanted to share this as i thought it maybe helpful to some of you who may have also been through similar experiences as me.

Hope your having a Good Day
Stay strong and keep fighting!


Saturday, 13 May 2017

Coping with a Chronic illness...

Today is one of those days where I am really struggling with my Chronic illness, Endometriosis, not only with the terrible pain and fatigue, but emotional aspects that come along with it like, why me? why do I have to have this? why I can't i be normal?, will I ever have a life? whats the point in being alive?
I am sure you get it.
Then I realised I am probably not the only one feeling this way, and so I thought I would share some ideas of ways to cope with chronic illness...

1. Watch a new TV series or Movie
Sometimes just getting lost in a plot can be a great distraction from pain and how your feeling.
some reccomendations...
Pretty little liars - if your not already watching it and you should be!
The unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - this show is hilarious
Grace & Frankie - also very funny and unique

2. Do something nice for yourself
Have a little pamper session, paint your nails, do a face mask, take a bubble bath.
Cook yourself a nice dinner if you have the energy or order yourself a nourishing take out.
Treat yourself to something new a new dress or pair of shoes if you can afford to.

3. Call a friend 
If there's someone you can rely on for support, trust me I know this is not always easy, I personally don't have anyone in my life who understands or cares.
Please know I am here for you!

4. Do a hobby
If you can I know most hobbies are very physical, and being a physical person myself I have had to give up on a lot of my hobbies simply because I am into much pain to do them.
So now its time to find something knew, something not so physically demanding such as, Knitting, Drawing, Colouring, something crafty, reading etc.

5. Snuggle with your pets 
No matter what these are the ones that are always there for you, Animals are lifesavers!

6. Stretch/Meditate
Sometimes a little stretching can really help to relieve some pain and tight muscles.
If you don't feel up to stretching try a little meditation, there's lots of tutorials online.

7. Write
If like me you don't have anyone to talk to, getting it all out on paper can be just as therapeutic.

8. Get a Good Doctor
When you suffer with Chronic illness, it can be hard finding a good Doctor that understands, but it is a must! If you don't have one in your life now keep looking, don't settle for a bad GP!

Hope you found this helpful? Let me know how you cope with your Chronic illness?
I hope you are having a good Day, 
Remember you are not alone, stay strong and take care of yourself!


Thursday, 27 April 2017

A Day in the life of a Bulimic...

Waking up is a struggle, I am still exhausted from last nights purging, my whole body aches and my throat feels so swollen from forcing the vomit up with my fingers.
I wish I could just stay in my bed all day and hide away from the world but i have to pay the bills and feed my bulimic addiction.

I finally rise from my bed and notice my reflection as I walk past the mirror i look like death, i start picking at all my insecurities, all i see is my fat body, my face looks puffy and haggard and the blood vessels have all popped around my eyes from forcing the purge too much.

I go to the bathroom, the first thing i do is weigh myself, of course I've gained weight from last nights purge! I have to seriously restrict today and the rest of my life i tell myself.
Of course I skip breakfast but I have to have a black coffee to get me through the day.

Now for the worst task of all trying to find an outfit that will hide my fat!
everything makes me look fat i sigh
In the end I settle for the baggiest jumper i can find black of course.
honestly it makes me look even bigger but god forbid i wear anything form fitting and everyone will see how huge I really am.
I then cover my face in as much makeup as possible to hide all my flaws.

leaving the house is the real struggle I have to go out and face the real cold, hard world.
As i step outside, i feel like everyone is looking at me and judging probably thinking how fat I am.
My stomach hurts so much most likely from the purging, the black coffee and all the laxatives i took last night.
I vow to myself that I will never binged and purge again, but we all know its not as simple as that.

The work day feels hard and long I feel exhausted, and dizzy and I can't think straight from the lack of nutrients, all i want to do is lay down.
I am starving, I can't wait till lunch but i know i won't be having much I'll probably allow myself a smoothie or a plain salad.

Lunch comes around and of course i don't want to sit in the staff room, I feel so exposed and my colleagues will probably wonder why I am eating so little and may catch on.
So i grab my bag and head to the local cafe, looking at all the tasty sandwiches and pastas makes my mouth water but i know I can't have them so opt for a small fruit salad and a black coffee to keep me going.
I can't help but feel jealous of other customers ordering such nice drinks and cakes 'Its your own fault' I say to my self if you weren't so fat and greedy and ate like a normal person then you wouldn't have to starve yourself like this, I don't even deserve this fruit pot i think to myself.

After purchasing my crappy lunch i head out of the cafe to find a quiet spot where i can eat my lunch without anyone seeing me I hate people watching me eat i feel so uncomfortable.
I sit on a wall thinking to myself why me why do I have to have an eating disorder.

After lunch i head back to work hoping the rest of the day will go by fast so i can go home and sleep.
after 4 more long hours the days finally over and i can leave.

I rush out of work, to head to the bus top, on my way to the bus stop i walk past so many bakeries and   restaurants the scent of fresh bread makes me hungry, I can't help it the bulimia takes over and i cave, I go to into the grocery store and buy everything i want, i quickly pay and walk home as fast as possible.

As soon as i get home it starts i take one bite of food and thats it, i can't stop i am stuck in a trance and forget about all my problems for half an hour, and then i purge them all away.
And the cycle continues...

Hope you liked this post, I wanted to give a glimpse into what it was like to suffer with Bulimia and raise awareness, granted I am in remission now, but it is still a daily struggle.
I hope that I managed to articulate it well, let me know your thoughts?

Hope your having a good day! 


Wednesday, 19 April 2017

What I've learned being chronically ill...

If you follow my blog then you'll know I suffer with chronic illness and mental illness, and here are some of the things i've learned in life since suffering with these conditions.

Health is everything!
There is really nothing more important in life than your health. 
If you don't have your health you have nothing. 
Living with chronic illness daily has shown me that you really can't do anything when your ill, and life is really not worth living without your health. 
So don't ever take your health and your body's ability to be able to do whatever it wants for granted! 

Doctors don't give a shit 
They really don't i've seen a number of doctors over the years, only to be fobbed off and not taken seriously. 
And having to wait for over a year just to get the help I needed. 
The only person that cares about your health is you! so don't give up!

People are horrible 
This honestly comes as no shock to me since I've been treated badly my whole life, and by my own family. 
But living with chronic illness has made me see just how selfish people can be, it seems like human beings lack any sort of compassion and only care about themselves. 
I am not saying this is all people but the majority, so if you find some good people in your life hold onto them because their a rare gem! 

Life is precious 
Life is extremeley precious and so many people take it for granted. 
You have only one life and you should try to enjoy it as best you can.

These are just some of the things i came up with and have discovered let me know your experience?

Hope your having a good day!


Monday, 17 April 2017

New Blog!

Hey you!

Just wanted to let you know that I have recently started a new blog, Don't worry I will not be abandoning this one and will still be posting on here!

I have just decided to start a new blog focusing more on my passions and creativity such as fashion, fitness and food.
Where as this blog is more focused on Mental illness and chronic illness, so I wanted to keep the two separate.

So if your interested in lifestyle blogs, then check out my new blog

Hope you enjoy

more posts to come soon! on both blogs


Sunday, 2 April 2017

Who am I?

Who am I?

I am the severe pain in your abdomen that feels like your in labour 24/7

I am the one that keeps you awake all night in pain, and watches you cry yourself to sleep

I am the devil that has robbed you of your youth, and i won't stop till i have all of you

I am the depressed, angry bitch that pushes everyone away

I will rob you of everything Your personality, your energy your job, your relationships
your dreams, your fertility and quite possibly your life.

You'll be a prisoner to me forever and there's no way you'll ever be free..

  I am Endometriosis

By Liberty