Thursday, 27 April 2017

A Day in the life of a Bulimic...

Waking up is a struggle, I am still exhausted from last nights purging, my whole body aches and my throat feels so swollen from forcing the vomit up with my fingers.
I wish I could just stay in my bed all day and hide away from the world but i have to pay the bills and feed my bulimic addiction.

I finally rise from my bed and notice my reflection as I walk past the mirror i look like death, i start picking at all my insecurities, all i see is my fat body, my face looks puffy and haggard and the blood vessels have all popped around my eyes from forcing the purge too much.

I go to the bathroom, the first thing i do is weigh myself, of course I've gained weight from last nights purge! I have to seriously restrict today and the rest of my life i tell myself.
Of course I skip breakfast but I have to have a black coffee to get me through the day.

Now for the worst task of all trying to find an outfit that will hide my fat!
everything makes me look fat i sigh
In the end I settle for the baggiest jumper i can find black of course.
honestly it makes me look even bigger but god forbid i wear anything form fitting and everyone will see how huge I really am.
I then cover my face in as much makeup as possible to hide all my flaws.

leaving the house is the real struggle I have to go out and face the real cold, hard world.
As i step outside, i feel like everyone is looking at me and judging probably thinking how fat I am.
My stomach hurts so much most likely from the purging, the black coffee and all the laxatives i took last night.
I vow to myself that I will never binged and purge again, but we all know its not as simple as that.

The work day feels hard and long I feel exhausted, and dizzy and I can't think straight from the lack of nutrients, all i want to do is lay down.
I am starving, I can't wait till lunch but i know i won't be having much I'll probably allow myself a smoothie or a plain salad.

Lunch comes around and of course i don't want to sit in the staff room, I feel so exposed and my colleagues will probably wonder why I am eating so little and may catch on.
So i grab my bag and head to the local cafe, looking at all the tasty sandwiches and pastas makes my mouth water but i know I can't have them so opt for a small fruit salad and a black coffee to keep me going.
I can't help but feel jealous of other customers ordering such nice drinks and cakes 'Its your own fault' I say to my self if you weren't so fat and greedy and ate like a normal person then you wouldn't have to starve yourself like this, I don't even deserve this fruit pot i think to myself.

After purchasing my crappy lunch i head out of the cafe to find a quiet spot where i can eat my lunch without anyone seeing me I hate people watching me eat i feel so uncomfortable.
I sit on a wall thinking to myself why me why do I have to have an eating disorder.

After lunch i head back to work hoping the rest of the day will go by fast so i can go home and sleep.
after 4 more long hours the days finally over and i can leave.

I rush out of work, to head to the bus top, on my way to the bus stop i walk past so many bakeries and   restaurants the scent of fresh bread makes me hungry, I can't help it the bulimia takes over and i cave, I go to into the grocery store and buy everything i want, i quickly pay and walk home as fast as possible.

As soon as i get home it starts i take one bite of food and thats it, i can't stop i am stuck in a trance and forget about all my problems for half an hour, and then i purge them all away.
And the cycle continues...

Hope you liked this post, I wanted to give a glimpse into what it was like to suffer with Bulimia and raise awareness, granted I am in remission now, but it is still a daily struggle.
I hope that I managed to articulate it well, let me know your thoughts?

Hope your having a good day! 


Wednesday, 19 April 2017

What I've learned being chronically ill...

If you follow my blog then you'll know I suffer with chronic illness and mental illness, and here are some of the things i've learned in life since suffering with these conditions.

Health is everything!
There is really nothing more important in life than your health. 
If you don't have your health you have nothing. 
Living with chronic illness daily has shown me that you really can't do anything when your ill, and life is really not worth living without your health. 
So don't ever take your health and your body's ability to be able to do whatever it wants for granted! 

Doctors don't give a shit 
They really don't i've seen a number of doctors over the years, only to be fobbed off and not taken seriously. 
And having to wait for over a year just to get the help I needed. 
The only person that cares about your health is you! so don't give up!

People are horrible 
This honestly comes as no shock to me since I've been treated badly my whole life, and by my own family. 
But living with chronic illness has made me see just how selfish people can be, it seems like human beings lack any sort of compassion and only care about themselves. 
I am not saying this is all people but the majority, so if you find some good people in your life hold onto them because their a rare gem! 

Life is precious 
Life is extremeley precious and so many people take it for granted. 
You have only one life and you should try to enjoy it as best you can.

These are just some of the things i came up with and have discovered let me know your experience?

Hope your having a good day!


Monday, 17 April 2017

New Blog!

Hey you!

Just wanted to let you know that I have recently started a new blog, Don't worry I will not be abandoning this one and will still be posting on here!

I have just decided to start a new blog focusing more on my passions and creativity such as fashion, fitness and food.
Where as this blog is more focused on Mental illness and chronic illness, so I wanted to keep the two separate.

So if your interested in lifestyle blogs, then check out my new blog

Hope you enjoy

more posts to come soon! on both blogs


Sunday, 2 April 2017

Who am I?

Who am I?

I am the severe pain in your abdomen that feels like your in labour 24/7

I am the one that keeps you awake all night in pain, and watches you cry yourself to sleep

I am the devil that has robbed you of your youth, and i won't stop till i have all of you

I am the depressed, angry bitch that pushes everyone away

I will rob you of everything Your personality, your energy your job, your relationships
your dreams, your fertility and quite possibly your life.

You'll be a prisoner to me forever and there's no way you'll ever be free..

  I am Endometriosis

By Liberty 

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Anxiety and Insomnia

So recently I've been suffering with worse anxiety, which I think is due to the hormones I am taking to help with my Endometriosis.
Due to the increased anxiety it has also made me suffer with insomnia every night, and if you've ever suffered with insomnia or you've not been able to fall asleep then you'll know how much it sucks, and can be pretty detrimental to your health and productivity the next day, so i thought I would share some ideas on how to help you fall asleep.

Avoid caffeine
An obvious one, If you can try to avoid it altogether, however I know how hard that is, I am a big coffee lover and when life is hectic there's nothing better than a cup of coffee.
Try to limit it to 1 caffeinated drink a day, and don't drink any caffeine after 4pm if not earlier.

Drink camomile tea or valerian tea before bed 
Camomile and lavender teas are known to be relaxing, also valerian root which is often found in sleepy teas, you can also get in tablet form from health stores, it is a natural herb which is said to help with anxiety and insomnia.
I have tried a few sleepy teas myself and would recommend the 'Clipper sleep easy tea' its very tasty and although its not a miracle worker it does help me feel a little more relaxed.

Don't eat large meals before bed
Avoid large meals and greasy fatty foods before bed, stick to a healty well balanced diet with lots of fruit and vegetables.

Turn of technology
A big problem with the 21st century, which i am sure were all guilty of, turn off your phones, computers and televisions.
The artificial lights from screens disrupt our bodies and keep us awake.

Don't drink Alcohol before bed 
Although were often mistaken and think alcohol relaxes us and helps us sleep, it can actually affect the quality of your sleep during the night and cause us to wake, and also affects our bladders.

Keep your sleeping environment dark and cool
Turn out the lights and close blinds, also try an eye mask, any light will disrupt sleep, and opt for a cool temperature not too cold but definitely not too hot.

Reading uses your brain and in turn makes you sleepy, opt for a less interesting book also as a good one will make you want to continue reading and keep you awake.

Take a Hot bath
Baths are known to be relaxing and help relax all the muscles in your body, unfortunately if your like me and live in a place with only a shower this one won't be for you, I wish I had a bath i love baths one day i'll have one!

Try Yoga or meditation
There's tons of videos on youtube designed specifically for sleep.

You don't have to see a Hypnotherapist for this unless you want to, as there are many free apps available for your phone you can download, or even purchase a CD.
I have found them to be helpful sometimes.

Count sheep
Try the age old method of counting sheep, although it can get boring, its worth a shot!

Breathing exercises 
Breathe deep using your belly breath inhale for a count of 8 and exhale for a count of 8.

Work through whats worrying you
If something is worrying you and keeping you awake at night whether that be money problems, relationship problems whatever, try to work through them by talking with a friend or counsellor about whats bothering you, or even just writing it down in a notebook and thinking about steps on how you can resolve the issue if thats possible.
Sometimes just venting whether that be to another person or just your diary can really make you feel better.

Clean your sleeping environment
Its very important to keep your sleeping environment clean and free from dust and other pollutants such as smoke and pet hair, a clean environment will make you feel more relaxed.
try to also keep your bedroom just your bedroom so don't work in your bedroom or on your bed or do other activities there besides sleeping.
I know this can be difficult if you live in a studio flat or room but try to do other activities like watching tv, on a chair or sofa if possible.

Don't fight it
If you can't sleep, sometimes there's not really much you can do, if you've been laying in bed for more than an hour and still can't sleep then, its probably best to just get out of bed and do something else preferably something relaxing like reading, and then when you start to feel sleepy go back to your bed.

Exercise during the day
Exercising during the day will help relieve some stress and make you feel more relaxed, so that your better able to sleep at night.
However do not exercise too close to bedtime, as this will make you feel more awake, unless its light exercise like a relaxing yoga routine.

Get outdoors
Getting outside during the day, and having exposure to the sun, promotes healthy melatonin balance which helps you sleep better.
Try exercising outdoors or just a little walk.

Living in a shared house
For those of you that live in a shared house or have noisy neighbours like i do, you may find it more difficult to sleep with constant disturbance, i would recommend earplugs if you can wear them or a white night machine, or relaxing music can help to drown out other noises.

Hope you found this helpful, please note I am not a medical professional, these are just things I have found useful myself.
If you continue to suffer with insomnia I would suggest seeing your Doctor or possibly a Therapist.

Hope your having a good day, and happy sleeping!


Sunday, 19 March 2017

Life with Endometriosis #Infertility

So as you may know if you follow my blog I was finally diagnosed with stage 3 Endometriosis in January, after years of suffering with severe daily chronic pain in my abdomen and pelvic a area, chronic fatigue extremely heavy periods, and painful intercourse amongst other symptons. 

If you suffer with Endometriosis then you will know just how heartbreaking it is to be diagnosed with the illness, or any other chronic illness for that matter. 
Because it is a chronic illness and there is no cure so even with surgery and treatment it will most likely come back or won't help at all. 

Since my surgery I haven't felt any better, I am still in daily pain and have even more chronic fatigue, since having a mirena coil put in my uterus. 
Yesterday I went for a check up with the consultant who did my surgery and was basically told that I'm infertile. 
He says my fertility is like that of a 34yr old woman and I'm only 24, maybe that doesn't sound too bad but to me it is because I'm 24 chronically ill and extremely broke and I don't think I would ever be able to afford to have children anyway, but I had hoped that maybe after the surgery to treat the endo that I would feel better and actually be able to start working and living life, so that one day I would have the financial stability to have a child, however I doubt that will happen now.
There are options Like freezing your eggs however it costs £5,000 I barely have £5 in the bank so that's not going to happen.

Honestly I just feel so down right now because i feel like my life is basically over, and I don't think it will get better, I want to believe that it will, but endometriosis doesn't have a cure and after reading so many sad stories from other women online who suffer with endo, it just seems I don't have a future. 
How am I supposed to live if I am in severe pain and have chronic fatigue all day. 
The biggest loss for me is that I'll never be able to have the successful career I always wanted, or any career for that matter, I just think whats the point really when the rest of my life I'm going to be stuck bed bound, isolated with no life. 
This disease is just heartbreaking and destroys so many womens life's you would think they would have found a cute by now or at least something to ease the symptoms. 

I am sorry if this post is depressing I don't want this to seem like I'm being or victim or want pity, I just want to spread awareness of Endometriosis and what it's really like to live with this condition. 
And hopefully others who are suffering with endo won't feel so alone. 
If you suffer with endo yourself please let me know in the comments below how your doing? And what treatments have worked for you and how you manage your symptoms? 

If your not aware of what Endonetriosis is please check out my other post with facts on endo and share so that we can raise awareness and support! 

Hope your having a good day! 


Saturday, 11 February 2017

Update 'Surgery' 'Endometriosis'

So I've finally decided to do a little update after being away from blogging for so long.
I just really haven't felt like blogging in a while, what with being so ill, and i just kind of felt like i wanted to be more private, after being so open on my blog about everything in my life, i felt maybe i was being a little too open.
But at the end of the day the whole reason i started my blog was so i could connect with others who are going through similar things and hopefully help others too.

I know my last post was rather depressing and that was another reason i no longer want to blog because even though i am feeling so bad, i don't want to make others feel bad too, and I want to try and be somewhat positive which is difficult when your dealing with such complex problems and illness.

Anyway in my last post i wrote about how I was on the waiting list to have surgery a laparoscopy to remove Endometriosis, and I've finally had the surgery!
Its being a month now since my Op, however unfortunately I am still not feeling any better and I am still suffering from the severe chronic pain in my stomach as before.
During the laparoscopy they found a lot of Endometriosis (Stage 3) which they removed all of it and I am now using a hormonal treatment to help prevent the Endometriosis from growing back as it is a chronic illness.

I was relieved to finally find out what was wrong with me and why I was experiencing all this pain, however at the same time I am disappointed with the diagnosis, because Endometriosis is such a horrible condition that is incurable and is likely to come back and causes so many problems, not just the pain and chronic fatigue but also infertility, so I really hoped that it wasn't going to be Endo.

As i said since my surgery I am unfortunately still not better I just had my menstrual cycle and I was still in the same severe pain as before the endo was removed and I am still suffering everyday with my bowels, I have spent the last month bed bound with a hot water bottle strapped to my stomach.

I was just hoping that after going through the surgery i would have some relief and finally be able to start a life for myself but I am still stuck back in the same place.
So its back to the doctor for me to see what they can do, I just really hope that i can at least have some relief from this awful pain.

Anyway I don't want to dwell on it too much because I know its not the most positive post but it is my life,
To anyone out there suffering with Endometriosis and other Chronic illness's I am truly sorry and I want to let you know just how strong you are!

Hopefully I will be back soon with some more positive posts!

Hope your having a Lovely weekend!